by Sarah Lasko. @SarahEleora.
JERSEY CITY, NJ - A shocking report from an unnamed casting director who you just submitted to revealed that you definitely would’ve been cast in that dream role if you’d just taken the time to steam out that one wrinkle in the upper corner of your self tape backdrop.
“This was one of the tour de force auditions of my career,” claimed the unidentified casting director, who works at a company that rhymes with either Shmelsey or Shmara Shmubin. “I immediately picked up the phone to call their agent, but then I noticed that wrinkle. I called in the team to confirm, and we just couldn’t move forward after that.”
This audition would have been the clincher for a potential Broadway debut, or maybe the show-stopping featured role at that major LORT regional you’ve been going in for over the last three years, but you were just too lazy to take care of that one spot, weren’t you? Well, now look what you’ve done.
“We don’t often blacklist actors,” shared another casting director, who spoke to us in confidence while shredding your headshot. "To witness such a lack of care for the sacredness of the work is truly shameful. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that we will never call this person in again. And we’ll tell all our friends not to either.”
Independent data firm Global Intelligence Research attested that, though your ninth take of the Act One finale number gave them chills, you really should’ve spotted that wrinkle before you took down your lighting equipment and changed your clothes.
“She was really kidding herself if she thought no one would notice,” confirms GIR analyst Travis Patrick, who played Lazar Wolf in his high school’s 2004 production of Fiddler on the Roof, he'll have you know. “How hard would it have been to just do one more take?”
At the time of this publication, an anonymous source confirmed that probably no one will hear the passing ice cream truck music that played during the climax of your exquisite seventh try of that emotional indie film scene.