by Steven Verdile. Instagram @StevenVerdileCreative, Twitter @StevenVerdile.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT. - As resurfaced tweets have become a recurring controversy among celebrities and religious leaders, local mormon Elder Price deleted all of his Twitter posts last night in an attempt to avoid being canceled.
“The spooky demon of cancel culture is coming for me, I saw him in a nightmare,” he wrote in a final post to his 178 followers. The “socially liberal, fiscally conservative” overachiever continued his announcement. “I know you all enjoy my hot political takes, inspirational quotes from religious texts, and when I live-tweet the scores of random sporting events, but I regret to inform you that I will no longer be using Twitter. I fear that my words may be used against me down the line.”
To quiet rumors, Price had previously used his Twitter to assert his straightness, and was frequently seen replying to tweets from Tomi Lahren, Carrie Underwood, adult actress Mia Khalifa, and Ben Shapiro. “No,” replied each of them when asked if they were aware of his thirsty existence.
Wandavision superfan and Price’s best friend Elder Cunningham nasally commented on Price’s Twitter departure.
“It’s a shame,” he told us, doing the voice. “Nobody knows what you’re allowed to say these days. Like... do I disagree with his tweets about how all sinners are going to burn in a fiery pit of hell? Maybe. But why does that mean he shouldn’t directly share that opinion with Vice President Kamala Harris?“
Price’s parents were supportive of their son's decision to stop tweeting.
“After the settlement we paid to resolve the Lori [Loughlin] situation, we really couldn’t afford another public f*ck up. There’s only so many times you can call the mormon leaders to ask Mitt [Romney] for a favor like that.”
Just when it seemed their boyish son had safely escaped a scandal, an anonymous african military general leaked dozens of screenshots showing Price was an active member of the message board 4chan. This included posting an election fraud meme which he captioned “I believeeee!” and an incriminating selfie-style video showing him enthusiastically participating in the January 6th Capitol Insurrection.
Upon the leak, Price took to Twitter to respond. “Despite the devil’s attempts to silence me, I must continue to speak my truth. I’m back on Twitter, baby!”