by Emily Claypoole. @playdohpoole.
NEW YORK, NY – Reports from an NYC casting office tragically indicate that you didn’t get a callback because your resume was stapled to your headshot, like, super weird.
“I thought they loved my performance. One of the auditors cried during my monologue,” claimed actress Martina Bergman while using bleeding fingers to pry staples from an enormous stack of headshot/resume combos. Little did I know, it was because she was overwhelmed with frustration due to the bubbles and ripples in the paper caused by my four-corner stapling method.”
Known industry bad-boy Brennan Groppolo, who auditioned for the same show earlier that day, was not-so-shocked to hear the auditors feedback.
“Some people just can’t handle the paper clip,” Groppolo explained, before spitting out gum onto the sidewalk and pushing a child into the street. “I’m a free soul. I don’t play by the rules and a lot of people have trouble accepting that. They also have trouble accepting my resume and headshot because they do that thing where the papers are sort of together at the corner, but mostly not, so you can’t really turn the page all the way because the clip comes undone.”
A prominent NYC casting director, who will be referred to in this article as “Ternie Belsey” to protect his anonymity, actually empathized with the plight of actors.
“I’ve seen too many incredible performers fall to a faulty securing method, while there are so many ways to marry one thin and one weirdly thick piece of paper. They get whisked away by the possibilities,” Belsey gruffly told us, looking wistfully out the window and smoking a prop cigar. “Not many people know there is actually an industry standard way that we prefer actor materials to be put together, but if I told you that, I’d have to kill you.”
We investigated some additional options when it comes to this elusive method of securing headshots to resumes, but unfortunately came up empty. Most notably of the dead end leads, however, was Elmer’s Glue, who still remain eerily quiet in the wake of this news.