• Broadway Beat

Broadway Back to Normal Business of Enriching the Same Five Investors

by Devin Wallace. @thedevinwallace.

NEW YORK, NY - A recent report stating Broadway attendance and revenue for several shows is back to pre-pandemic levels was cause for celebration among industry heavy-hitters, who welcomed a return to the regular business of Broadway only enriching the same five investors.


“COVID-19 really made us wonder if Broadway would have to change,” said producer Ralph Riggo as he stroked his pointed goatee. “We asked ourselves if we needed new voices, if we need new perspectives, and if the entire ecosystem of musical theater would be shaken to its core. Then we said ‘no dice, pandemic’s over, Broadway’s back, let’s go see The Music Man, baby’,” added Riggo while checking a bank account that simply displayed an infinity symbol.


Denise Lafkin, a Broadway producer who lives next door to Riggo in a neighborhood you'll simply never afford, said it’s important for audiences that Broadway returns to normal, especially if those audiences are made up of the show’s millionaire investors.


“Broadway is defined by those long-running shows. Phantom of the Opera, which I produce, and The Lion King, which I also produce, and Book of Mormon, which I don’t produce but my wife does. Keeping those running is so important for theater fans and also my business manager,” said Lakfin while handing a $10 million dollar check to Stephen Schwartz to “do Wicked again or whatever.”


Producer Lee Felts, also a neighbor to both Riggo and Lafkin, echoed their bullish sentiments while signing the contract for Aladdin 2: Just The Genie.


“You cannot defeat Broadway. The show always goes on and I always buy my beach house in cash,” said Felts, whose idols include Max Bialystock and Scrooge McDuck. “You want to know if Broadway is back? Here’s your answer,” said Felts as he showed us a picture of his golden toilet encrusted with diamonds.


Broadway analysts also connected the rise in revenue to the skyrocketing cost of housing in Manhattan, the Hamptons, and several lawless private islands in the Pacific Ocean.