BREAKING: President’s Understudy Expected to Go On For Rest of Show's Run
by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.
WASHINGTON, DC - Following Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s blockbuster announcement yesterday that she is officially opening an impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump, the White House has confirmed that he will likely have to step out from his role as President in the long-running piece that is the United States government. He will, for the foreseeable future, be replaced by his understudy - Vice President Mike Pence.
“It’s been an honor to take on the role, and some, including me, would say my performance was the greatest yet,” noted Trump while eating just so much beef. “Yeah, I did a bunch of illegal stuff while I was in the cast, but hey, that’s showbiz,” he added, referencing U.S. politics, an industry that no one should refer to as “showbiz”.
Trump has been playing the President - a role performed by many, to varying degrees of success, since the show began - for nearly three years now, but director Nancy Pelosi believes it’s time for a change.
“Positive word-of-mouth has been lagging for some time,” said Pelosi. “Today’s youth are more interested in watching actors who at least look like they believe what they’re saying, you know? “Honestly, I didn’t Pence to step in, but he’s the only one who can do so on such short notice. Everyone else - Warren, Sanders, Harris - are on tour,” she added.
And while many are glad to see Trump exiting the role - critics have lambasted him since day one for his simple, stale blocking, constant stumbling over his lines, and general lack of respect for the other members of the cast - others are less-than-pleased to see his understudy go on.
“Pence is a Senator on a good day,” noted D.C. resident Nick Westell. “I spent some time in the Midwest and got to see his last role as Governor in a community production in Indiana, and that performance was somehow both stiff and damp. Plus, behind-the-scenes, the guy seems like a total creep,” he added.
At press time, Trump refused to comment further as to why he had to step out of the production, stating that his recasting is nothing more than a “witchhunt” and that the real reason he had to leave was something to do with “shin splints”.