BREAKING: Local Women Invent Acting
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
EARTH - Reports are surfacing this morning that two local women - Rachel Zegler and Ariana Debose, stars of Steven Spielberg’s adaptation of West Side Story - have invented a groundbreaking new art form known as “acting”, dazed sources confirmed.
“I thought I’d seen people pretend to be other people before, but it turns out I was wrong,” noted theatregoer Frances Turmul, adjusting the Wikipedia article for Daniel Day-Lewis from “actor” to “just man”. “The way they said their lines, did their movements, sang their songs - somebody call Merriam-Webster, because it’s time to add ‘acting’ to the dictionary.”
Representatives of the Academy of Motion Arts and Sciences have weighed in, planning to rescind all Academy Award acting winners of their accolades. They plan to melt down all of the trophies and form three big trophies: one for Zegler, one for Debose, and another for actor Rita Moreno, who reportedly first began trials of “acting” as early as 1961.
“Anyone who thinks acting exists outside of these performances needs to grow up,” noted Academy rep Merv Jackson, wrestling away an Oscar from Sam Rockwell at knife point. “There’s no telling what other technological advancements the invention of acting will lead to. Maybe they’ll be able to do it in person, on a stage or something. Maybe there will be acting that’s just a voice over an animated character. Maybe there could be, like, a thing where one actor plays multiple roles. The future starts on the west side.”
Historians have reportedly found the invention of acting eerily similar to the year 1957, in which Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein reportedly invented “music”.
“People date music back to Beethoven, to ancient Rome, to biblical times - but nah, there wasn’t music before the mid-50s,” claimed historian Jennifer von Junnifer, who was seen shredding all records of early renaissance music in an industrial shredder with an A Little Night Music sticker on it. “I hear that the new West Side movie may actually be the very first film, but I’ll wait for the Rotten Tomatoes score to confirm.”
At press time, the general public was coming to terms with the fact that everything they thought was acting prior to today was not actually acting. Worldwide support groups have been launched to help individuals navigate this journey, while “Acting Wasn’t Real” deniers keep citing Catherine Zeta-Jones’ performance in 2002’s Chicago, which we were unable to find any record of.