• Broadway Beat

Uh-Oh: That Old, Boring Paternal Character Just Walked Onstage Alone in a Spotlight

by Louie Aronowitz. @louiearonowitz.

NEW YORK, NY - As the generic musical reached its most banal expanse of scenes, the red flag of all red flags revealed itself as the old uncle or grandfather or neighbor or whatever character walked onstage alone and a few twinkling piano notes sounded, sources confirmed.


“You just know it’s gonna be the most boring and monotonous song in the show,” said theater-goer Dennis Mellen as he attempted to sneak out of the auditorium for a bathroom break. “As soon as I saw that terrible grey beard and wig, I knew it was time for my own personal intermission.”


Though everyone involved in the show recognized the song break is integral to the story, they also confirmed it’s ‘the worst.’


“I mean, what are you gonna do? This is the big changeover in the plot, it has to happen, no getting around it - but ugh, they could’ve at least cut off that last quintuple chorus or something,” said the actor playing said old man while applying aloe to the rash from the fake beard she wears every night. “It’s my big solo and even I hate it. I think he’s giving advice or something? Or maybe explaining? Honestly, even while singing it I can’t pay attention to the words.”


The writer of the show in question, Paul Gillis, has explained the section of the show as absolutely necessary and not cuttable at all.


“It HAS to stay BECAUSE it’s the worst,” Gillis said while brainstorming his next show, a jukebox musical centered around Smash Mouth. “Sitting through a musical should not be fun. It should be work. You should know the second that character walks on stage that the next 10 to 12 minutes are going to be torture; that’s theater, baby!”


Gillis later cut the character’s other scenes so the song seemed even more random and pointless and annoying, simply because audiences and critics complained so much about it.