• Broadway Beat

Bisexual Tenors Riot After H&M Stops Selling Tan Khakis

by Chloe Hechter. @chloehechter_.

NEW YORK, NY -  Clothing retailer H&M recently announced that they would no longer be including tan khaki pants in their spring collection, resulting in widespread riots and protests from bisexual tenors as BFA audition season rolls around, sources confirmed.


“What am I supposed to wear to Sound of Music callbacks?” questioned Ethan Rosenberg, a junior at Harriman High School on the Upper West Side, who feels that tan khaki pants are simply a reflection of “who he is”. “I need to be ready with a style that proves, without debate, that I can opt-up to a D5 without straining,” he added while adjusting his denim jacket with sherpa accents.


As the large mob of “would-be Newsies” continues to grow outside of the Herald Square location, inside, sales clerks are becoming more and more annoyed by the swarm of protestors.


“I keep getting called ‘biphobic’, just because I work at a place that stopped selling a certain color of pants,” noted sales associate Jackie Miller. “Everyone keeps asking me if I’ve ever even taken the Kinsey Scale Test, and claiming that not wearing tan khakis will confuse casting directors for ‘generations to come’. Why can’t they just wear jeans?” she asked, which only made the protestors outside more furious. 


Derick Worthington, a freshman acting major at Carnegie Mellon University, wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a pin that says “ˌbaɪˈsɛksjʊəl,” which he confirms is the IPA translation of “bisexual” and an homage to his actor’s speech class, weighed in on the controversy.


“This is just corporate irresponsibility. I need to come into next semester with a look that makes it clear that I like BOTH and can play a leading man depending on the show and the theatre season at large,” he yelled dramatically before pulling a worn out copy of A Streetcar Named Desire out of a men’s tote bag. “It’s cuffing season - and by cuffing season, I mean the season for cuffable pants.”


At press time, the riot began to reach its peak, as the protestors shamelessly broke out an all-tenor rendition of “Do You Hear the People Sing?” in the middle of Herald Square. Finally, a passing onlooker suggested they just try Macy’s.