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Area Man Only Cast in Production After Buying Entire Theater Company

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

WASHINGTON D.C. - Area man and former New York City government lead Michael Bloomberg shared his excitement today at being cast in the D.C. Community Theater’s production of 1776 after auditioning and not getting in, but then simply purchasing the entire theater company and casting himself, sources confirmed.


“I’m so excited to join the production, especially since everyone likes me and wants me to be involved,” noted Bloomberg while avoiding eye contact with any other cast members. “Yes, technically I ‘bought’ my way into the production and used finances to ‘purchase’ a role that should have gone to someone actually ‘qualified’, but I don’t think everyone will dwell on it. We can all move on and agree that, at the end of the day, I really am the John Adams of this thing.”


Bloomberg, who also owns his own major theater news organization, has garnered criticism from those who feel his means of fully purchasing his way into the production are “anti-democratic” and contrast the process of casting qualified, exciting performers. Additionally, his track record in the theater is more than questionable.


The Broadway Beat caught up with a member of the New York City Community Theater Project, a company in which Bloomberg was a member for almost 12 years, for their take on his relationship with the stage.


“Yeah, he made some pretty detrimental decisions while he was with the New York branch,” noted long time company member Danielle LeGuire. “From policies birthed out of prejudice, to failing to create affordable theater spaces, I don’t think he’s right to move on to a community theater program the size of D.C. You shouldn’t be able to just throw money at something and then detract attention from people actually worthy of their roles. Also, my God, he’s such a bad actor. Have you heard him speak?”


However, some theater fans were oddly excited by Bloomberg’s emergence in the 1776 cast.


“Yes I think he is a great actor and a perfect choice to lead the production,” noted local man Dave Harris, while in line at the bank waiting to cash a small stack of checks. “He will get the job done and make everyone hairy… wait, sorry, my script says ‘happy’. He will make everyone happy. I love him and think he is good and qualified and none of this is bad,” he added while glancing at the printed script sticking out of his coat pocket.


At press time, Bloomberg was still reeling in the aftermath of another embarrassing previews performance, in which he was absolutely exposed and overshadowed by a slew of more seasoned performers. Bloomberg still feels confident that he can earn the theater community’s trust and admiration - and if not, he will simply just buy more theater companies until he is, as he puts it, “the only actor left”.