by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today an “arts revival” project designed to help the thousands of out-of-work entertainment employees in the state of New York die way faster by contracting COVID-19, sources confirmed.
“We need to bring arts and entertainment back to New York City, return this city’s cultural flame to its brightest burn, and make sure these long suffering entertainment workers pass away from COVID-19 complications as soon as possible,” noted Cuomo, who added some of the events would include staged reading of American Crisis, the book he wrote about how well he handled the COVID-19 pandemic and then released while the pandemic was still happening.
“Could I find a way to pay these performers to stay home rather than risk their safety by getting back to work via a vanity project? Absolutely. Should we be working to get everyone vaccinated so live entertainment can come back, properly, soon? I’d say so. Do I know what either of those first two questions even mean? No way.”
At press time, Cuomo added that the events - which will feature performances by Hugh Jackman, Amy Schumer, Chris Rock, and millions of fast-transferring coronavirus droplets - will be available to enjoy from home as well, in the form of all employees and attendees immediately transferring the virus to their families.