by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.
The holidays are here again, and with them comes a slew of new gift ideas for all the theatre fans in your life. Not sure what to get your fan of the theatrical arts? We've got you covered, with our official 2022 Holiday Gift Guide!
DEED TO THE MAJESTIC THEATER
Sure, it’ll be occupied until at least April, but you’ll want to jump on this valuable gift while you can, before it’s snatched up by a Spirit Halloween store.
UNNECESSARY REVIVAL
You didn’t ask for it, but there it is, stuffed in the bottom of your stocking with some broken chestnuts and an old orange. Sure, it looks a little better than it has before: the packaging is more modern, with a shiny new celebrity gracing the wrapper. The slogan promises the “same great flavor, with a twist!” But there’s no twist. In the many, many years you’ve gotten this gift, there’s never been a twist.
Sure, the wrapper makes it look promising – it always does – but inside, it’s the same: dry and hollow, with the faint aftertaste of unexplored horizons. Makes you hungry for a Shucked, doesn’t it?
JEFFERSON MAYS-TER POTATO HEAD
Were you ever made to feel less than because of the limited number of toys in your room? Well, with the best-dressed spud in town, the only limit is your imagination! With just a simple switcheroo or two, he’s over fifty toys in one! Add a hat, and he’s the Ghost of Christmas Past, or Ebenezer Scrooge! Add a tie, and he’s a D’Ysquith. Add a wig, he’s another D’Ysquith. A coat, a D’Ysquith. Beard, D’Ysquith. D’Ysquith. Hours of endless fun in one compact little recurring The Americans guest star!
& JULIET PLAYSET
Good luck finding one on the shelves this holiday season. Somehow – beyond all explanation – it’s the hottest toy of the year. Despite literally everything against it, it’s… good? And, like, really fun? Oh, we all made fun of it when it was first announced. The name? The commercials? It all just seemed so silly. But who’s laughing now, huh? Not us. And certainly not your son, who was so excited for the playset you promised you’d buy. Oh well. Guess he won’t mind that Leopoldstadt lunchbox collecting dust in your closet.
TICKETS TO MERRILY WE R- haha sorry, I couldn’t even get through it.
DEED TO THE ORPHEUM THEATER
Goddammit. Spirit Halloween got to this one first.
ORATORIO FOR LIVING THINGS
Um, thanks? I love… it? “It,” right? And it’s great, it’s really, um, great, but… do I eat it? Is it something I wear, or play with…? Okay, you’re nodding at all of these, there’s no way you can nod at all of these. I love it, I do. But. You didn’t happen to keep the receipt, did you? Not that I’m looking a gift horse in the mouth. Wait… is it a horse?
“NOT HAUNTED” MICHAEL SHANNON DOLL
Judas Fuck. I swear I didn’t buy you that, honey. I promise. I have no idea how it got up on your dresser. Step away from it, honey. That’s good, slowly, yeah. Don’t take your eyes off it, okay? I’m right here. Jesus. Look at its expression. The way the shadows dance off the nooks and crags. How the world sort of sways around those eyes. Shh.
There’s a whispering in the back of my head, a whisper in a language I dare not decipher. Shh. Listen. I’m right here, okay? Don’t take your eyes off it. Step closer.
BROADWAY BEAT MERCHANDISE
Coming soon ;)
-
HEY! Hey you! We have a LIVE SHOW coming up on Friday December 30th at 7:00pm in NY. It's a WINTER GALA with very special guests Aparna Nancherla, Elsie Fisher, Max Crumm, Two Tree Hill and more! It'll be really fun and silly, and a nice blend of both comedy and theatre! Wahoo! It's also LIVESTREAMING! Get your in-person or livestream tickets at Caveat.com at the link below. Hope you can make it! We love you dearly either way.
- The Broadway Beat